Just a warning that this post is going to be long and gets a bit graphic. I’m not writing it for sympathy or to be looked at as a victim. I think there is a misconception that once a woman conceives a baby after miscarriage that her miscarriage is erased and replaced with the joys of this new baby, and that everything just moves forward as it should be. I just want to share my story, when I lost my baby at 8 weeks, it left me with the biggest scar of fear I could ever imagine I thought that I couldn’t move on and get pregnant or have a normal pregnancy.
At the start of last year, Josh and I had decided we wanted another baby so we started “trying”. It didn’t really take us long and after a few months (April) we were pregnant. We were over the moon and so grateful and happy that our family was growing, we were in the talk of building our forever home,life was fantastic our marriage was great and T was a thriving 1 1/2 year old, we had no idea the events that were about to happen.
I booked a doctors appointment, literally the minute after i peed on the “stick” pregnancy test. My appointment rolled around estimated to be around 4 weeks, I had bloods taken and patiently waited for them to return. The woman I’am, I was thinking everything is great I’ve had one successful pregnancy before, I went on my normal day to day routine with good intentions everything was fine. I then had another appointment to get my results from my doctor, my HCG levels were extremely low for how far in my pregnancy I was supposed to be, so my doctor suggested we wait two days and get another blood test.
I was so confused nothing made sense I couldn’t understand why my levels were so low, I kept thinking well maybe I’m just not as far in my pregnancy as I thought.
I had my next set of bloods done and went to see my doctor again and still my levels were low. Your HCG levels are “meant” to double every two days, mine went up maybe 2 or 3 digits. My doctor was concerned so suggested i get an ultrasound to find out what is actually happening.
I booked my ultrasound appointment, in between waiting for that I started to spot blood in my undies, I rang my doctor and he replied with “it’s totally normal for pregnant ladies to sometimes spot or actually bleed throughout their whole pregnancy”. However, I stated googling like a crazy woman all my symptoms and everything I read came up miscarriage, my heart sank. Josh kept reminding me that we don’t know for sure until your ultrasound, he kept me grounded and kept me so calm.
My ultrasound day had arrived, I was 7 weeks along, I was so excited yet so nervous as my bleeding had gotten stronger, the ultrasound tech, put the jelly on my stomach I took a deep breath and exhaled so slowly, I held Josh’s hand tightly, The image came up on the screen and there was nothing there, but a gestational sac (the sac the baby grows in). The tech turned and said to me “go and empty your bladder and we will try an internal. I went to bathroom and my pad was so full of blood, I couldn’t help but just cry as I knew in my heart even before my appointment that something wasn’t right.
I returned and we did the internal and the foetal pole (baby) was there but had no heartbeat. The ultrasound lady didn’t even have to say it, i knew by the way she looked at me I could see it in her eyes, she then said “I’m so sorry, I’ll leave you guys for a moment stay as long as you need”.
As soon as she walked out I lost it I literally broke down i cried and cried, Josh said the pain in my cry was heartbreaking. We sat for a good half an hour I got dressed and we left. I had to drive myself home which was 30 minutes away as we had come in separate cars. I remember ringing my mum who was patiently waiting for a phone call from me, she answered so happily with “how’d you go!!” I couldn’t get my words out I was crying uncontrollably “my baby didn’t have a heartbeat” to be honest I can’t even remember what my mum said it was all a blur, I had to stop on my way home due to having panic attacks, my doctor called and wanted me to come in straight away to discuss my options on dealing with my miscarriage. He suggested i go naturally instead of a D and C (dilation and curette removal of baby). Now I think of it I would of preferred the D and C.
The days to follow, I never want to experience or wish this on anybody ever, it was traumatizing.
The pain was excruciating, imagine your period but intensified by 100.
I could not get comfortable, I was in and out of the shower with the hot water running on my back, my heat bag was getting a good work out, no painkillers worked at all I mean nothing no pain relief. Josh tried rubbing my back and I was just not having it, I didn’t want to be touched I just wanted him to occupy T while I was going through this as she had no idea why mummy was in so much pain. The look on her face, I didn’t want to her to see all this but we had no one to come and get her and look after her.
I needed to go to the toilet, my body was cleaning itself so of course I needed to poop I remember going to bathroom, I felt so hot that i stripped off naked and laid on the cold bathroom tiled floor, I was screaming in pain, next thing I remember is waking up with Josh saying my name and shaking me, I had passed out from the pain. I hopped back in the shower and that’s when I passed my first clot it was huge about the size of a 50c piece.
I thought that was it my pain started to die down and I could walk and feel somewhat human again. I kept passing clot after clot after clot there was just so much blood. I examined everyone single one of them wondering if that was the baby or if that one was the baby they kept getting bigger and bigger.
After 24 hrs it had all calmed down, the pain had gone and after a long sleep, I was feeling good not mentally but I was able to walk without pain.
My mental state, if I had to describe it; it truly would be that I just had someone close to me pass away like my mum or dad or Josh. I was numb, I felt angry at myself and at my body for not doing what I was made to do.
The next few weeks were a blur of deep sadness like I’ve never experienced before. I told close friends and family about our loss but no one really knew what to say or how to act.
No one really shares their stories. However as woman, carrying a child should be the most natural thing in the world so when you feel like you can’t do that properly, it’s almost embarrassing. I didn’t want to share my story with a lot of people for the simple fact I didn’t want to be sympathized for my body not doing what it was made to do. I have changed my views on that now.
I wanted to share my story with you guys in hopes it makes more women speak about miscarriage and how to not feel ashamed of their bodies. If you’ve survived a miscarriage yourself, I encourage you to speak about your story even with just a close friend. However you feel comfortable. I promise, that is what will help the most. You never know, that person may have gone through the same thing.
I did go on to get pregnant again in that September. And now have my gorgeous rainbow baby G who was born in May of 2017 and he is perfect in every way. My fear throughout his pregnancy was insane my anxiety was so high I lived in fear every time I went to the bathroom because to see blood in my undies would break me. I even brought a pocket doppler machine that the doctors use to hear the baby’s heartbeat and every day, I listened to that tiny heart beat and everyday I was reminded that good things to do happen and they take time. I think of my unborn baby everyday and I imagine what life would be like if we did get to meet him or her and how they would be today I get sad thinking about it and I let myself have that moment because grief is natural.